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ill5

Dear Emily,

I was really afraid to ask anyone my questions so I’ve sort of been hinting around about it with my facebook friends who aren’t really friends. I mean I don’t actually know any of them in my real life. But my question is how do I know if the relationship I am having on facebook is real or not? I’ve never met this man and we have just been chatting through chat and stuff. I only know what he tells me about himself and I don’t know if any of it is true. But I know that he has other “friends” and I worry that he’s doing the same thing with them that he is doing with me. Basically we just play around and flirt a lot. It probably won’t ever be anything more than that since we live on opposite sides of the world but I’m really crazy about him and I really want to meet him someday and see if we can be something. What can I do?

Lonely and In Love

 

Dear Lonely and ILL…

I’m sorry to tell you that it isn’t a REAL relationship. It is a VIRTUAL relationship. And..that’s okay. We all come to the Virtual world for something that is missing in our real life. I came into it as a way to promote my writing and discovered that a huge part of me was missing and being fulfilled by my interactions with certain online personalities. I was also very deeply gratified to find that the one person who made me light up the most also turned out to be the one to whom I have given the bulk of my trust. We have met and are very happy together.

ill6

So please do not despair that this could ever happen to you. But first and foremost you really must get yourself together. Asking your fellow facebook friends whether or not they know that he is cheating on you is a means to an end. Vis a vis.,.the end of your online and possible real life relationship. You don’t really specify whether or not this particular relationship fulfills any kink for you and your virtual partner that is missing in your life. You also do not say whether or not he is married in real life which I suspect to be the case as it is so often. I cannot count on both hands and feet the number of people whom I have met who are so dissatisfied in their marriage that they seek what is lacking online. It is both a testament to the state of marriage as it is to the attraction of virtual play.

ill4

What seems to be missing most from your interactions with your partner is…trust. You cannot ever possibly know who he really is, what he really wants, or why it is to you that he turns to have his needs fulfilled.  None of that really matters. Online relationships are more and more common these days. People are bored, tired, angry, unhappy, lacking their spiritual and physical needs being met and most of all very disappointed with how their expected lives have actually turned out. Some may not thank me for this, but it must be said that there is often a lot of work to be done in a marriage, or other relationship that many are simply too lazy or too tired to do. Then again, there are relationships that are beyond repair. You’ve tried everything and it never worked, but for reasons, perhaps known only to you, there is no way out. So you find an escape. A virtual one, since a realistic one is not possible.

ill3

It saddens me often. There are many women, many of my acquaintance, who are feeling exactly what you feel, but do not know what to do about it. My advice is always the same. You entered into this circumstance for fun, for escape. Enjoy it for just that and want nothing more. Because it is in the wanting that comes the disappointment, and very often following that is hurt. If it is meant to be, it most certainly will come about. If it is not, your best course of action is to guard yourself against that hurt and give only what you trust to give.

ill2

Emily

 

Safety First

Dear Emily,

I recently had an experience that sort of scared me and I wanted to get your opinion on it, also wondering if anything like this has ever happened to you. My girlfriend is new to the lifestyle, and I am only recently really finding my dominant side. We are trying to engage in activities that interest both of us, one of which is rope play, but I have to admit we don’t really know what we are doing. Anyway, during the scene, she panicked and said she couldn’t breathe, but we weren’t using a safeword, so I wasn’t sure when to end. She’s okay, and from now on we will definitely use a safeword, but I wondered if you had any advice for us on safe rope play which is something we’d like to become more experienced at.

Cowboy Dan and Cowgirl Kate

 

Dear Cowpokes.

My goodness! That is a scary experience! I think though that you understand now where things went wrong, and most likely will not repeat those same mistakes again. My best advice to you is to read and practice. And yes, it has happened to me, but not with rope. My Sir once had his belt around my neck and though it was not tightly placed around me at all, the psychology of the scene took over a bit and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. In reality, I was fine. However, since the psychology of a scene is a huge part of it, it is wise to take a few precautions. Fortunately, my Sir understands this intuitively, and listens to me even without a safe word. Often a very loudly vocalized OW! over too hot wax is enough for Him to make changes in His scene plans. But that does not mean we would ever try anything we were not prepared for.

 

There are many great books out there on the practices of using rope play in the bedroom. One of my favorites is The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino. This book really has it all, from how-to sources to the psychological findings behind why we like ropes in the lifestyle.

If you want to get into something a little more ancient and exotic I recommend Shibari You can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macrame by Lee Bridget Harrington. This goes a bit more in depth into the history of Shibari, or Japanese Rope Bondage using step by step diagrams that will help you safely incorporate rope bondage into your play with beautiful results.

There are many reasons why this sort of play is exciting to a BDSM lifestyler. Whether it’s the struggle, helplessness, and tight, deliciously burning pain induced by the one who is tied, the sense of control over the submissive experienced by the tier, or the beautiful patterns left behind on the skin after the scene is complete, rope play has something for everyone.

                                                                                                          cannot wait to try this one…

 

My particular favorite aspect is the return of blood flow as the ropes are released. It flows into the affected limb with a heat and tingling that begins to spread all over the body and immediately creates a wet sense of flow between my thighs. Now, I do like the helplessness of being at Sir’s mercy as well. Add a blindfold and we have ourselves one hell of a night! This sensation can also be experienced with tight Velcro cuffs and silk scarves, but neither leave the same lovely pattern of markings that a good rope handler can create.

 

 

Beautiful…

Of course, safety in all BDSM activities must be considered before playing, but most especially when ropes are involved. Tie a knot the wrong way and it can tighten during play, leading to emergencies you don’t even want to contemplate, much less have to explain to a coroner! So I highly recommend practicing on areas of the body that come nowhere near the neck for a very long period of time before moving above the collar bone. There are some really great games you can play with ropes as well, which will teach both of you a great deal about this type of play. Allow your pet to tie you too. You don’t necessarily have to be incapacitated to enjoy the pleasure ropes can bring to the senses. Just making tight patterns over the legs, leaving the arms free, can result in a truer understanding for you of what it feels like to be tied up, released, and marked by rope. My Sir tells me that He never uses an implement on me He has not first tried on Himself in one way or another, thereby enabling Him to judge the safety and possibilities for damage that it has. This is the kind of care and safety that all Dominants should take measures to be certain of before trying ANYTHING new.

 

 

       the legs are a great place to start…

The type of rope you buy is of singular importance as well. You never want to purchase anything, as a novice rope player, that can actually splinter the skin, such as hemp or twine rope. This type of fiber can actually leave strands embedded into the skin that can lead to infection and resultant damage. If your girl has sensitive or very soft skin, this is a real and present concern. My skin would be damaged, possibly permanently, by the use of hemp rope. The tighter the rope becomes, the more possibility it has to penetrate the skin, leaving behind minuscule, splintery pieces of fiber that are almost impossible to remove. If you wouldn’t use Grandma’s rose bush to tie up your princess, do not use rope that has hairs hanging from it.

 

 

  I wouldn’t want this rope anywhere near my skin…would you?

Stick with softer cotton and ropes that have only a minimum of stretch, and don’t be afraid to tell the hardware store clerk what it is you are looking for and why. Believe me, with the advent of recent sales of a certain book, he has now heard it all, and will be only too happy to help you find the safest possible rope for your activities, not to mention eye hooks, bolts, and other fun little bits that can increase your fun later on. My suspicion is that major hardware retailers all over the world will soon be hiring their own BDSM consultants merely to increase sales in this arena.

                                                                                                                 and pretty colors too….

 

I will leave you with one more bit of advice that you have already given yourself. Even with couples who are very experienced, not only with the lifestyle but with one another, there is often the use of a safe word involved in their play. Especially when trying something new. The two of you are new to the lifestyle and new to each other. You cannot leave anything to chance. And if you opt to not use a safe word and she tells you she can’t breathe? LISTEN TO HER! You don’t want to end up with a dead or brain damaged girlfriend. Because that is simply NOT sexy.

                                                                                                                          But this is…

 

 

Emily

Greedy Needy

Dear Emily,

I recently realized that I have become very needy in my relationship. My Dominant is a good person, but I don’t think he is really ready to be involved in this kind of thing. In fact he told me so. I very much enjoy his company and really want to continue the fun we have been having, but I don’t know how to not be needy. Isn’t this sort of what being a submissive is all about? Can you help?

Needy Sub

 

Dear Needy,

Here are a few tips that will help you out.

1. Don’t expect anything.

If you keep your expectations to a bare minimum, or even better, have none at all, then you will not be disappointed when things do not play out as you would like. I know this is difficult. the more involved with a person you become, the more expectations grow. Especially for subs. When a Dominant begins to show you what good dominance is all about, it feeds a craving in you that gets larger. However, I am of the opinion that some Dominants fail to see that the thing that made them want to Master you in the first place ends up being the very thing that starts to drive them a little bit batty. So..NO EXPECTATIONS!

2. Accept what you are given.

This is very important. Take what you are given and be happy with it. If your Dominant is unable or not ready to give you more, you really have very little choice now, don’t you?

3. Stop attaching significance to things that have none.

You know you are doing this. Every submissive does. He will say something sweet and kind and you will take it to mean far more than he intended. If he is stating to you that he is not able to give you more than he currently does, you have to find a way to stop thinking that things mean something they do not. I guarantee you that this is key to finding peace within your sort of “relationship”.

4. Ask for nothing.

If he is not ready, then you have no right to ask for anything. And do please always ask permission before questioning him on any topic.

5. Never confront him on anything relationship related.

In fact, pretend you are NOT in a relationship. He is just someone you see every now and then and so there is no need to make it any more than exactly what it is: CASUAL!

6. Don’t wait on him.

Stop waiting for him to call, or text or email, or whatever form of communication is your bailiwick. Just go about your daily life and when he gets in touch with you, accept it and be grateful, but don’t take up his precious time. Which leads me to:

7. Don’t share personal things with him.

This really goes against the grain for me in a D/s relationship, however, it must be said. The more personal things you share, the more you will feel as though you are invested in a relationship. This will only go badly for you in the end, when he finally decides that this is not in fact what he wanted at all.

8. BACK OFF!

If he wants space, give it to him. Men are just as confusing a conundrum as women. We like our space too, we just don’t always know it.

9. Figure out if you can have a casual D/s relationship.

This is a huge question for me actually. There is so much time, trust and devotion necessary for a good D/s relationship. If one of you is not ready for that aspect of things, it is probably best to just date and leave the D/s out of it for now. There is such a commitment required to sustain this type of relationship and if he is not ready to have a relationship, then chances are he is not ready to fulfill his role as your dominant.

10. Live your life.

Many subs have the strong tendency to subvert their needs for that of their Dominant. Stop it now! Just live your life as you choose and if he has a problem with it, then you are welcome to show him steps 1-9.

Good Luck!

Emily

Feet First…

Hi Emily, I wonder if you can help me? My new girlfriend has a foot fetish; her most erogenous zone is the soles of her feet and she loves to have them gently stroked and kissed. Now this is not something I’ve really come across before so I wondered if you had any advice on what I should do to blow her mind. More of the same – which she doesn’t complain about at all – or are there some other techniques I could use to give her the time of her life? Thanks!

Ben Dover

Dear Ben,

Aha! You have found a tremendous source of power! The nerve endings in the human foot are potentially linked to every other part of the body. This is the basis for reflexology which is the art of applying pressure to certain areas of the body, namely the feet and hands, as a way to effect a physical change to another part of the body.

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If your girl has sensitive feet, I can definitely recommend a few play techniques you may not have thought of trying.

Let’s start simple. How about painting her nails? This gives you access to her little piggies in a way that is neither ticklish nor in any way a sensory overload. Not only will she enjoy the gentle non-sexual touch of your hands, she will also appreciate the gesture of you wanting her to look and feel pretty.

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A foot massage is another way to fire off a sensory reaction. Start nice and slow and make sure to apply even and gentle pressure to every part of her foot. This will tell her a few things about you. One is that you are a man who can pay attention to detail, and another is that you care enough for her to want to make her feel relaxed and good. This will also tell you something about your girlfriend’s feet. You will learn where they are the most sensitive by paying attention to the reaction each touch brings about. Make sure to cover the whole foot and ankle. You know her soles are sensitive. What about her toes…her heels?

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Foot decoration is another way to show you appreciate those tootsies. Buy her a lovely anklet or entire foot bracelet. Not only will it look lovely on her, it will let her know that you celebrate this often ignored erogenous zone.

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Sucking her toes is an obvious conclusion and one I am sure you have tried. Vary the pressure of suction on each one saving the greatest amount of pressure for her tiniest toe. Though it may be a useless appendage in the formation of our walk, it has its place in the creation of talk. By which I mean oohs, ahhs, and a few squealy screams. To increase these, may I suggest an application of hot wax?

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And my last tip to you would be investing in some soft rope for a little foot bondage. There is nothing like the feeling of blood returning to a limb that has been tied up for a bit. The sensation of flooding heat it will bring to her flesh is something that may just in fact blow her mind and put her in the right frame of thought to blow yours.

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Good Luck!

Emily

Topping From the Bottom?

Hi Emily,

I’m marrying a beautiful man, whom I adore. He is willing to explore many new options, and I want to show him, but I’m a sub.. And I feel sort of dominant showing him what I like and don’t like.. I don’t like taking the reins.. What can I do to show him what I like with out making my self dominant? He is open to everything but has been vanilla.. :) Thanks,

Sultry Sub

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Dear Sultry Sub,

 

You are in a dilemma that many submissives around the world face all the time. They have a partner who is interested in learning more, yet they fear showing them what they want. Why? Because they don’t want to set a precedent for “taking the reins” as you so aptly put it. This is called Topping From The Bottom, and it is an uncomfortable place to be in.

I assume that as a submissive you would like your man to become the Dominant you have always dreamed of having. You must see some of those qualities in his personality already or my guess is you would not adore him as you do. So the trick is finding a way to get him to let all those dominant characteristics out without showing him the ropes, right?

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My first bit of advice to you is to do just that. Show him the ropes. Purchase some new ones if you have to, and hand them up to him while waiting patiently on your knees. If you haven’t yet reached the point where you are exhibiting your submissive side to him, now is the time…BEFORE you get married!

I know that you adore him, but if you don’t want to repress this side of you for the rest of your life, he has to know about it now. You must communicate it loud and clear. There is no need to be explicit in action at this point. Now is the time for verbal expression. After all, you are going to have to practice this daily in your marriage, so if you can’t do it now, you need to be rethinking a few things.

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You say that he is open to trying new things? Well, that is half the battle right there. Share new things with him. Things you’ve read about, or heard about. Let him read about them too. There are many good books already on the market that discuss the ins and outs of D/s relationships. I recommend he start with The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren, a married couple who have been living the lifestyle for simply years. The book is comprehensive and speaks from both sides of the relationship, so it is actually a good read for you both.

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Don’t be afraid to speak up, and on “top” of that, don’t be afraid to show him what you like. If the response you receive is as you desire, I can guarantee you will only have to show him once. Memory will serve him well in future encounters and he will do it for you without assistance. 

Most of all, as a submissive, be sure that he understands what that means in every aspect. From the sexual side to the emotional. Submissive hearts are amazingly fragile things wrapped in an amazingly strong shell. We give with all of us, every fiber. And if you truly feel this man deserves that gift from you, then you are already on your way to a life of happiness. 

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I wish you every good thing in your upcoming marriage, and hope for you that in a very short time, you have a Dominant and a Husband, and that both of you are worthy of the gift you each give.

Emily

 

Let’s Have a Little Fun…Shall We…?

Dear emily,

what makes you think you know everything? just because your part of the fake bdsm cliques, that people hide behind so many fake profiles. i seen first hand how you fake people operate in your fake secret groups. your the ones that make the lifestyle look like a joke.

your facebook page is stupid….just like your fake relationship with master desade and your two fake facebook profiles. you make a mockery of the bdsm lifestyle. go ahead and play your stupid games with your fake friends. there are people who really live this lifestyle not pretend on facebook

emily winters

Dear emily winters,

First let me say how very clever it was of you to use such a wonderful name to protect your identity. I’ve always thought the name emily winters to have a lovely ring to it, however I prefer it spelled with capitals thusly: Emily Winters, as is proper grammar. Forgive me for being a stickler.

Now to address your very obviously angry concerns. It would seem that you have sent me several e-mails recently, all written in the same angry and hurried manner, so it is my guess that you really do not like me. Let me assure you that I am 100% OKAY with that! I love it when people don’t like me. It makes life all the more fun.

You ask me why I think I know everything? Well, I never claimed to know everything. As amazingly perfect as I am…no one is that perfect. But I do know a thing or two about the BDSM lifestyle. I would be happy to provide you my academic credentials if that will set your mind at ease.

I did a two year study with a psychologist for the International Center for the Study of Aberrosexualism in 1999, resulting in a published treatise on the subject. As well, I have contributed as a writer for published articles by the comprised Master’s and Johnson’s research laboratory at Washington University. I have also contributed to several BDSM magazines such as Cuir Underground, London Fetish Scene, Skin Two, The Leather Journal, and Whap. I am considered by all of these to be a respected writer in the field. In addition I have published 7 books related to Domestic Discipline, and am currently at work on two guides for the lifestyle to be published by a prominent publisher. That doesn’t happen unless you know what you’re talking about.

If that is not enough for you, I entered the scene at 18 with my first non “fake” D/s relationship and through that experience was initiated into a lifestyle that has now surpassed over 20 years of learning, growing, researching, and real life experience. But…as you say, I don’t know anything.

There are many BDSM “cliques” in the online world, and several ways to join them. Facebook, Fetlife.com, Plugin.com, Twitter, Collarme.com… really the list is inexhaustible and I won’t waste time exploring what can be found in a simple Google search. Oh, sorry..that’s G-O-O-G-L-E…just try google.com. You may see them as fake. So what? There are many people who cannot explore their interests in their real lives due to family, work, lifestyle constraints, etc. This does not necessarily mean that their interest in the lifestyle is fake. And hiding behind fake profiles, well, I really must say, who are you to talk about that? You asked me a question under my own name! If you think we should all be honest about who we really are, throw the first stone and do so yourself.

If you have seen firsthand how we operate in our “fake secret groups” then you must have once been a member, or perhaps still are a member yourself. This one is super simple. If you don’t like it, get the fuck out. No one is holding you there against your will, and you are free to leave at any time. The groups are a means for many things, for many people. We can share photos of things we like, or that excite us. We can have meaningful discussions that educate those who are unfamiliar with certain aspects of the lifestyle, and we can share a laugh. I do not believe the requirements for membership state that you must be actively involved in living the lifestyle in order to participate.

I appreciate your criticism of my facebook page as being stupid. Here are some other words you may use to describe it:

brainless, dazed, deficient, dull, dim, doltish, dopey, dumb, foolish, futile, half-baked, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, laughable, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, nonsensical, obtuse, out to lunch, pointless, puerile (my personal favorite),  shortsighted, simpleminded, stolid, thick-headed, trivial, unintelligent,unthinking, witless…

I put them in alphabetical order for ease of use. I’d hate for you to have to struggle. I may have missed a few. Sue me. I really don’t care what others think of my facebook profile. I am there, as you must be, since you know about my two profiles, to enjoy myself, to have a laugh with my facebook friends, to see what interests others, and to be perfectly honest, to advertise my work. I try to not break facebook’s rules if I can help it, and I try to be as genuine as I can be in my interactions with others. If this is troublesome to you, may I suggest that you block me immediately? I’d really hate to be the cause of any more anger on your part.

Now, as regards my “fake relationship with master desade”. That is Master DeSade. If you are actually involved in the lifestyle you will know that it shows Him a tremendous amount of disrespect to not capitalize both of those words. Our relationship is none of anyone’s business but our own, but for the sake of clarity and credibility let me assure you that it is not fake, but very real. We spend a good amount of time together in the real world, learning about and enjoying each other. Since you didn’t call Him stupid like you did everything else about which you wrote to me, I am going to assume that this particular part of your little tirade is a direct result of jealousy over our “fake relationship’ Get over it.

Oh and one last thing. Thank you so much for your permission to play my stupid games with my fake friends. Not that it was needed, but I plan on thoroughly enjoying every minute of it. And you should know that there are many people on facebook who truly live the lifestyle. Of all the ones I know, not a one of them would ever feel the need to write a letter such as you have done. For those truly living the lifestyle know and understand that there are many ways of doing it, and none of us would ever make a mockery of something so important to our very lives, as you have done today.

Emily

Where Is That Submit Button?

Dear Emily,

I have a very close friend that I suspect may be deeply submissive. She is shy and inexperienced but flirts with me. We go out together as friends clubbing on weekends. I have pinned her against the wall and kissed her. She trembles in my arms. She has never been with a woman before I know this. How should I take her and make her submit?

Friend In Need

 

Dear FIN,

Hmmm..so you want to force your friend to submit to you? This is an interesting conundrum indeed. From my own experience, submission is never forced, but offered by the sub and accepted by the Dom(me). The converse of this is of course that Dominance is offered by the Dom(me) and accepted as a tremendous gift by the sub. Then both parties act accordingly and give it the respect, time, attention and care it deserves. It really is not a relationship to be taken lightly if you are going to go for the gusto, and do I ever recommend that you reach for that particular brass ring!

Why? Because it is worth it. There are a myriad of rewards to be had by doing your part as a good Dom(me) AND as a sub. But forcing it is never the way to achieve it unless you know for a fact that this is the way the sub wants it.

This can result in a few things, but namely resentment from the submissive. And a resentful submissive is a bratty and unhappy one. And since the aim of a D/s relationship is the happiness of both parties, I do not suggest forcing it.

So what should you do instead? Communicate. Talk about it. Listen. Actively listen. And respond accordingly with more questions. Be honest yourself about what you want, and listen to what is hopefully honest answers from your friend on how she truly feels about this. Especially if, as you think, she is submissive. A submissive heart can be easily led astray and what you end up with is someone who does not resemble their true self. A good Dominant wants more than anything to help their submissive find everything that is true and good in themselves. Do not suppress who she really is and turn her into a simpering Yes, Miss, no Miss little girl with no thought of her own in her head. I promise you that you and all of her friends will tire of this rather quickly.

 

Now..there is of course a sexual only relationship. This is a different scenario altogether. Just fuck her brains out the best you can and take it from there….

Emily